New Contact

I spoke with the UFT representative that is assigned to my case today when they finally telephoned me. I have difficulty in not feeling foolish when I share the details of my case. Quite frankly, it is embarrassing. I wonder what will happen if I just disappear? What if I went away and never came back? maybe then I wouldn't be missed? Then they wouldn't have to get rid of me, I'll already be gone. I wonder where I can go to escape and find appreciation, or at least pleasant treatment. Maybe I can't go anywhere? Maybe I just have to be by myself? I'm trying to find inspiration within and without myself. Again, I am pondering whether this is something that I should fight, that is worth fighting, or whether I ought to just concede and admit defeat, take my losses and move on. Surely this universal principle of a life-battle is one that we all must face at various points in our lives. I'm reminded of how I am erasing my experience in the emergency room because of how horrible it was to be there. I feared dearly for my life and I would have traded away anything to have that pain stopped. Perhaps I must now consider whether this is what the universe has in store for me, to have me surrender my job and go elsewhere to do something else, which I may not have otherwise chosen to do of my own volition. Is this a test? Is life a test? Or is this a consequence of choices which dictate how we live our lives? I'm also reminded of a couple I know, who have three autistic children, the third of whom they had to give away for adoption. Did they choose that?